Social media ain’t that goddamn hard, people. You know how, like, you’re a person who walks around and talks to people at the mall, or at work, or at the dinner table? And how it doesn’t behoove you to be a total fucking asshole there? Do the same thing online. There! Ta-da! I just saved you from hiring a social media guru who will take your money in order to infuse your social media presence with the rank snot-curdling odor of sour douchebaggery (“brand!” “platform!” “Klout score!”). Also: piss on anybody who wants to take your money to give you 10,000 new “followers” in the blink of an eye. Five hundred awesome followers are better than 10,000 non-followers carved out of the quivering meat-gelatin that is digital spam. Now, if they’re offering you 10,000 artificially-intelligent hunter-killer robots, hey, hook me up.
Okay, wait. Hold the fuck up. I am a writer, and I’m also a social media expert. Could you manage your social media presence without my help or someone like me? Yes, you could.
However, my job isn’t to “infuse your social media presence with the rank snot-curdling odor of sour douchebaggery”. I would also you rather have 500 followers who engage with your presence than 10,000 who don’t. You know why? Because those 10,000 followers who don’t engage won’t help you get the next 10,000 or even the next 10,001. Which means I’m not doing my job properly.
I have never been on Klout. I don’t give a crap about Klout unless you do. What matters to me is that you’re happy with the audience you have. If that means you’re happy with 500 followers who engage you and you don’t care if gain a single one more, I’ll help you maintain it. If you just want numbers, I can do that too, but chances are it might make you look impressive, it won’t help you in the long run. I don’t want you to just look impressive, I want you to actually be impressive.
Some authors don’t always have social media grace. Some don’t know what kind of presence they want to have (Do you want to be known as thoughtful, funny, or controversial? Because the people who are attracted to those qualities expect different things.) Some might need help with Google Analytics or SEO. This goes for businesses, artists, or anyone else who’s success counts on people being interested in them and what they do. That’s my job.
There are jerks in every profession. Don’t round up the bad ones and then proclaim that all of us will try to pull the wool over your eyes.
Sam, Judi and Daniel
A new vending machine has been released which can print any book within minutes.
The Espresso Book Machine has access to 500,000 different books - the same as 23.6 miles of shelf space - and can even churn out a fresh copy of Crime and Punishment in just nine minutes.
Pages are printed at a rate of over 100 per minute and are then pressed, glued and cut to produce a pristine book.
Users simply pick the book they would like on a screen and wait for it to be printed … it certainly is a novel way of getting a new book.
WHO WANTS TO ROAD TRIP WITH ME TO THIS VENDING MACHINE Y/Y?
I think Johannes Gutenberg’s mind would turn to mush and come out of his ears and eyes if he ever saw this.
GRABBY HANDS I WANT
GIVE IT HERE
I might just have died
DERP! DO WANT!